• Date: 03/26/2015, Reprinted 12/31/2015
    For:McSweeney's

    Launch Project

  • Favorite Lines:
    - "Unless you have written a New York Times bestseller, won first place in the Intel Science Fair, or cured type 1 diabetes using only solar power and a tampon string, we’ll put you at the bottom of the pool."

    - "Most importantly, we know that your minimum-wage job did not teach you “patience, teamwork and leadership.” No one learns anything from minimum-wage jobs except how much they hate people and that they shouldn’t have majored in political science."